Welcome to Uncomfort Inn. You Can Check out Anytime You’d Like

By  |  August 25, 2015 | 

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” -Irish proverb

“You can check out anytime you’d like, but you can never leave.” -Hotel California, the Eagles

Welcome to the hotel that functions like a hospital.

1700 CHECK IN

Hello, sir, thanks for checking in today to “UnComfort Inn”. It looks like this is your 4th visit here in the past month, you’ve attained “Double F Status,” that qualifies you for a free colon prep during your stay. Yes, sure, similar to a colonic.

Can you tell me your full name and address? You gave someone all that information at the admission desk? I see. This is the lobby desk, our computers don’t communicate with the front desk, so we’ll need to confirm. Your license and credit card, then? I’ll also need your insurance information, emergency contact, political affiliation, favorite sports team, and blood of your first born.

OK, I’ve got you back in the system.

While we wait for your room to be ready, can I help you with your luggage?

Yes, by help I mean have someone bring that back home for you. That’s right, you won’t need any clothing here, we provide the latest in hotel wear. One size fits all, universal green patterned print. Pocket for your gadgets in the front, sleeves with endless combinations, and our open air back technology. Why don’t you change into this right here? Yes, everyone changes in the lobby.

Do you mind waiting on this hallway cot for a few minutes while we finish getting your room prepared? Yes, I know we are in the lobby with the other guests. These are our premier hallway beds, they come with zero privacy and a one-inch mattress.

2400

Your room is ready, sir! Seems we’re running fairly prompt today, it’s your lucky day. No need for keys, we simply leave your door wide open throughout your stay. All part of our zero privacy protection. Yes, no one outside the hotel can know you are here. But everyone in the hotel has easy access.

0100 ARRIVE IN ROOM

Welcome to your room, sir.

Here’s your nightstand, beautiful faux mahogany tray table on wheels with adjustable bed. Let me pull this tray out for you. Hmm, table seems a little high, and the wheels seem to be stuck.

0120

Ok, we’ll just leave the tray table here, and at this height, it is perfect as a chin rest.

Yes, that’s your roommate. Oh, we didn’t tell you? We have a complimentary stranger to bunk with you during your stay. It is one of the free upgrades. I know you requested a “non snoring” room, but it seems this is the only room available, and we are running a special on sleep apnea guests this week.

0200 as guest falls asleep, lights come on

Hi, sir, it seems you have a visitor. Your nurse is here to ask you all the questions a similar nurse asked you downstairs. It’s protocol. Don’t worry about falling back asleep. A physician or two will also be here shortly, also to ask you similar questions that you were already asked. Yes, you are correct, it would make sense if we could get everyone in a room together.

0400

Morning wake up call!!  We know you didn’t order one. We schedule these automatically. Just checking your blood pressure and heart rate.

Wow, your blood pressure is quite high this AM. Let me call your physician.

0415

Sir, your physician wanted to let me know that your blood pressure elevation is probably related to me waking you up in the middle of the night. Yes, you were right again. You can go back to bed now. Anything else you need?

Please don’t yell, sir, your blood pressure might go back up.

0500

Morning wake up call! You already had one? Well, this one radiology scheduled. I think you have another wake up call for 0530. Yes, that will give you just enough time to fall asleep again for about 10-15 minutes. We find 15 minute naps are refreshing. Think of it as getting to sleep 10 different times throughout the night. Sounds like a lot of sleep when you put that way, right?

0700

Morning. I’ll be your nurse taking care of you today sir.

You need to use the restroom? Your roommate has been using the bathroom for the past hour? Yes, he has a severe diarrheal illness. You can go right here on this custom made PVC pipe toilet.  Let me place this privacy towel around you.

0800

Morning, your daily activities have begun, I’m here to take you for your first excursion. Your breakfast just arrived? No worries. We’ll leave it here for the next couple of hours. It will be right here when you get back.

Yes, I could use the minibar as well. We had to get rid of them all, the staff were using them more than the guests.

The doctor? He will be in later today. Sometime between 9 and 3. Or maybe 10 and 6.

Oh, the surgeon! She was in already. You don’t remember her? She came in earlier, you must have been sleeping. I told you that you slept well!

What’s the plan? She described it in detail to you, while you were up for that half a second. You said you had a great flatulence overnight, she seemed excited, and then she left.

So let’s review the plan for the day. It appears you have a full schedule of events during your stay.

Another X ray coming up. Followed up by random blood draws. We will then likely schedule you for an unplanned test. Your family can come whenever they want(we don’t know when you’ll be in your room, anyway).

Looks like it will be great day!

I hope you enjoy your stay at Loss of Autonomy Suites.

About the Author:

Jordan Messler
Jordan is a hospitalist at Morton Plant Hospitalists in Clearwater, Florida. He currently chairs SHM’s Quality and Patient Safety Committee. In addition, he’s been active in several SHM mentoring programs, most recently with Project BOOST and Glycemic Control. He went to medical school at University of South Florida, in Tampa, and completed his residency at Emory University. He recognizes the challenges of working in a hospital that lines the intracostal waterways of a spring break mecca. Requests that if you want to be selected as a mentored site, you will have a similar location with palm trees and coastline nearby. He tries to find time to sit on the beach with his family to escape the hospital’s miasma. While there, he looks forward to reading about the history of hospitals/medicine, and how it relates to quality (Anti-UpToDate reading material). But inevitably will get a five year old dumping sand on him, and then has to explain why she is buried up to her neck.

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3 Comments

  1. Dan August 26, 2015 at 5:36 pm - Reply

    I think it would be a great marketing strategy for 2- star motels to market to patients that just left a hospital experience, as there 2 star hole in the wall will seem like a luxurious retreat! Thank you for this brilliant idea…

  2. Joel August 28, 2015 at 11:47 pm - Reply

    This brought Tear to my eyes. with because it was so funny true and so horible

  3. John September 6, 2015 at 4:32 pm - Reply

    I’ve often said it would be cheaper and better to recover from surgery at the Hilton down the road with a private duty nurse. For uncomplicated patients, of course. Great post!

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